Twenty-one years ago, Joanne Colino had a relationship that ended not in marriage but in single motherhood. Today her daughter is about to graduate from college with a 3.9 GPA and an internship with the prestigious Martha Graham School of Contemporary Dance in New York City. Colino, 51, a Philadelphia real-estate broker, is proud of what they have both accomplished. "My pregnancy wasn't planned, but it turned out to be the best gift," she says. "I have no regrets."

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 3.5 million U.S. families are headed by single Black women. Fortunately, more resources are now available to single parents to help foster healthy, happy families. Still, we know it's not easy. That's why we've compiled this guide to support your success as a single mom.

How to Become Financially Fit

Elvetra Cossie, a legal secretary at a prestigious law firm in Atlanta, has been contemplating getting a second job at a time when most women her age are planning for retirement. Why? Because Cossie, who is nearly 50 years old and divorced, is a single mother with one child in college and another about to finish high school. "I had a rude awakening as my children started getting older," says Cossie, who explains that her children's expenses are growing but her paycheck and child-support payments are not. "I've been blessed with great kids, but financially I'm always playing catch-up."

Cossie is not alone. Most single mothers confess that money--everything from making it to keeping it--is their biggest challenge. Whether because of a divorce or a lack of child support from the child's father, many single mothers and their children spend their lives navigating uncertain financial circumstances. Sadly, nearly 40 percent of all Black single mothers are raising their children below the poverty line.

Having to make do with limited resources can be overwhelming, but them are ways to improve your financial fortunes. Jackie Perlman, a senior tax analyst at H&R Block, says having a practical financial plan is one of the best things a single mother can do for her family. "Many people have the mistaken idea that financial planning is only for wealthy people," Perlman says, "but that really isn't true."

Start by creating a strict budget, and get into the habit of saving, even if initially it's only a few dollars a week. "You don't have to live like a complete tightwad," Perlman stresses. "You just have to know the difference between a need and a want." Books like The Single Mother's Book: A Practical Guide to Managing Your Children, Career, Home, Finances and Everything Else by Joan Anderson (Peachtree Publishers) offer helpful advice on creating a personalized budget. Or seek professional advice from a financial consultant.

Four More Ways to Improve Your Financial Picture

GO BACK TO SCHOOL "Education is the best way for single parents to increase their income," say Marion Peterson and Diane Warner in Single Parenting for Dummies (Wiley). Whether that means going to college for the first time, returning for an advanced degree, or taking a professional course at a community college, finding a way to get more education is almost a guaranteed path to earning a higher salary.

START SAVING Besides signing up for 401(k) plans and traditional retirement accounts, consider opening a 529, or educational savings, account for your child. A 529 is earmarked for education, and you won't be taxed on funds you deposit into it.

BUY A HOME Mortgage interest is tax-deductible, and almost all houses appreciate in value, so you constantly make money. Women with a net-so-perfect credit history and/or limited down-payment funds can still qualify for a mortgage. Check state and local housing authorities or the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, hud.gov, for programs for low-income home owners. Habitat for Humanity International (habitat.org) is another organization that helps low-income individuals own their own home.

GET A HOUSEMATE Sharing rent and utilities can cut your monthly expenses in half. Or consider pooling your resources with another single parent and buying a house. Check out Web sites such as co-abode.com for single parents across the country looking to share a home, or post an announcement at your local church or community center.

How to Solve a Child-Care Crisis

Lynne Nichols *, 36, thought she was signing up for happily ever after when she married her husband. Two months after the wedding, however, she was pregnant and living back home with her parents in Westchester County, New York. "We started arguing about everything," says Nichols of her now-estranged husband. "By the time I realized it was not going to work, I was already pregnant." A freelance sweater designer, Nichols figured she'd stay with her parents until her baby was born and then get back to the life she had left behind.

But things didn't go as planned. Nichols found out she was pregnant with twins and wound up on bed rest for much of her pregnancy. By the time the babies were born, it was clear that her marriage was pretty much over and that she'd be raising two children alone. She didn't want to burden her parents. Finding adequate child care for two infants became her undoing. "I couldn't afford to pay for someone with experience caring for twins," she explains.

THINK FAMILY FIRST You can't beat family for inexpensive but loving child care. It's best to work out some sort of compensation that makes everyone feel appreciated.

SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE If you can't afford a full-time in-house babysitter, consider sharing a sitter with another family. It's a great way to split the cost and still get personalized care.

SWAP WITH ANOTHER MOM Offer to babysit for a friend or family member in exchange for her babysitting for you. And don't forget you can offer to babysit on weekends if she can take the week.

MAKE ROOM FOR ONE MORE If you have the space in your home, consider taking in a college student or boarder who can provide before- and after-school child care. Contact the housing office at a local college, or consider using an agency that finds professional au pairs who will watch your children in exchange for room and board.

SEEK OUTSIDE HELP You might qualify for subsidized support. Check out Head Start (nhsa.org) and your local YMCA (ymca.net). Both of these superb national organizations provide quality child care for low-income families.

RESEARCH EMERGENCY HELP If money is not an issue, look up local last-minute babysitting services that offer child care in a pinch.

How to Keep the Peace With Your Baby's Father

Laverne Johnson *, 41, didn't find out she was pregnant until after her relationship was over. Today her daughter is 6 years old, and Johnson would like her to have a positive relationship with her father. But it hasn't been easy. Johnson first had to deal with her anger. "In his first year of visits, I would take her out of his arms and slam the door in his face," says the Charleston, South Carolina, resident.

At first her ex didn't want to acknowledge his offspring; Johnson had to sue him for child support. (See next page for more advice on seeking child support.) "My daughter's father felt I was trying to ruin him financially," she explains. With a lot of emotional work and compromise, however, she and her daughter's father have found a way to put their daughter's needs before their own. "We've evolved, and we now have a surprisingly friendly coparenting situation," she says.

Many women are tempted to avoid the daddy drama by simply cutting him out of the picture entirely. But is that in the best interest of the child? In nearly all cases, the answer is no, says Marion Peterson, a psychotherapist and coauthor of Single Parenting for Dummies (Wiley). "Even if the child only has a fantasy of Dad, don't shatter that," she counsels. Callie Crowder, a single mother of two young children, agrees with Peterson. "I have boys, and their father is their identity now," says Crowder, a CPA in New Jersey who adds that she never speaks poorly of her children's father, even when she's tempted. "I want my boys to feel good about themselves. I don't criticize their father in front of them."

According to Peterson, Crowder is doing the right thing by not sharing her negative feelings with her sons. "By criticizing Dad, you're criticizing the child because he's part of that person. This creates a terrible conflict in a child." The bottom line: A positive relationship with the dad, even if he gets on your last nerve, should be encouraged.

Peterson offers the following tips to keep in mind as you develop a relationship with your ex:

Keep the relationship cordial, not emotional. Treat your child's father like you would a business associate, meaning no name-calling or mind games. If a conflict arises, come up with solutions, not punishments.

Never say anything detrimental about the other parent in front of your child.

Never make your children messengers between parents. If you have something to say to your ex, tell him yourself. It's unfair to make your child the middleman. In other words, keep the kids out of grown-folks business.

Make goodwill gestures. Recognize the positive things Dad is doing. Make sure you tell him you appreciate a gift he bought the kids or a weekend away he planned with them. You can even go so far as to bake cookies with the kids and send them to Dad as a gesture of goodwill. That little bit goes a long way toward creating a respectful relationship.

Find a mediator. If communication with your ex is impossible, find a mutually agreed-upon mediator, such as a friend or neutral family member, who can help smooth the way. He or she can assist in negotiating family business such as arranging visits or schedule changes.

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. If Dad is violent or abusive or if he has consistently shown absolutely no interest in being part of the child's life, Peterson says, it's time for a reality check. "If he doesn't seem interested in the child, I would say get on with your life and let him go," she says. "A complete disconnect may be best." On the other hand, if there's any hope of Dad's wanting a connection with his child, the mother is obligated to foster that relationship, Peterson says. Just make sure that your decision is in the best interest of the child, she advises.

How to Fight for Child Support

Nicole Jackson *, 35, tells a tale that may sound familiar to many single mothers: Happily employed in Boston as an administrative assistant making a salary in the mid-thirties, Jackson could easily maintain her single lifestyle. But when she had a baby four years ago and received no financial support from her son's father, her life changed dramatically. "I had to leave Boston and move back in with my mom, who lives in Brooklyn. I could no longer afford rent, my son's preschool, groceries and car expenses on just my salary," she says. "If he had contributed at least half, I'd be in a totally different situation. With two people, you can make a go of it."

Although Jackson has contemplated trying to make her ex pay child support, the process seems too daunting. "I don't know where to start," she confesses.

Fortunately, provisions are in place that can help Jackson and others who find themselves in similar circumstances. In 1992, the Child Support Recovery Act (CSRA) got the FBI involved in investigating deadbeat parents. Six years later the federal government created the Deadbeat Parents Punishment Act (DPPA), which made it a felony to avoid paying child support.

Even so, getting what is financially due to your child can still be a challenge. For Diana Bragg *, a single mother who lives in Streetsboro, Ohio, the process took four years and a lot of heartache. Still, she persevered and finally started receiving child-support payments.

Unfortunately, not every story ends as well as Bragg's. "Agencies report that billions of dollars of support remain unpaid," says Andrea Engber, founder and director of the National Organization of Single Mothers and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother (Adams Media). Part of the reason, she says, is that for the most part, noncustodial parents are typically unemployed or earn under $10,000 annually.

Some women have even resorted to using private organizations that claim they can help single parents collect their child-support payments. Proceed with caution, Engber says. "If a woman wants to go this route, she should check with the Better Business Bureau first," she advises. Many of these companies are not legitimate businesses, and some states restrict use of such agencies. (To learn more, contact the Association for Children for Enforcement of Support; 800-738-2237 or childsupport-aces.org.) Ultimately, Engber says, "the best solution for assuring your child receives support is for parents to work together in deciding how to share child-care expenses."

Steps You Can Take to Receive Child Support

Before You File

Research your options. The Handbook on Child Support Enforcement, published by the Office of Child Support Enforcement, is a helpful resource. For a free copy, write the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families, Office of Child Support Enforcement, 370 L'Enfant Promenade, Aerospace Building, Washington, D.C., 20447.

There are also a number of books available on the subject. Below, three we recommend:

* 1-800-Deadbeat: How to Collect Your Child Support (Eggshell Press) by Simone Spence. Offers strategies on how to aggressively pursue child-support collection, such as ordering a sheriff seizure of personal property to be sold at auction; available at amazon.com.

* Child Support: Your Legal Guide to Collecting, Enforcing, or Terminating the Court's Order (Sphinx Publishing) by Mary Boland. Explains the legalities of child-support orders as well as the termination of support. Other subjects, such as what to do when a parent lives in another state, are also discussed; available at amazon.com.

* The Face of Child Support (Angel Eyes Publishing) by Dawnette Lounds-Culp. A former single mom's account of her four-year struggle with obtaining child support; available at angeleyespublishingco.com.

When You're Ready to File

Call your local child-support agency, also known as an IV-D agency. Check out the Web site of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families at acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.htm for a state-by-state guide. You will be assigned a caseworker who will guide you through the process, which includes establishing paternity as well as the amount owed, and enforcing the child-support order.

How to Know When You're Ready to Date Again

Dating as a single woman is hard enough, but for single moms the concept is fraught with special challenges. For one, there's the guilt many single mothers feel for even contemplating a social outing without the kids. Don't give in to that, says Ellie Slott Fisher, a single mother of two who wrote a book on the sensitive subject of dating and single moms, Mom, There's a Man in the Kitchen and He's Wearing Your Robe (Da Capo Press).

"A social life for Mom is critical," Fisher says, and not just because Morn needs to let her hair down. Seeing their mom date, Fisher explains, "helps children grow up knowing how to have adult relationships." The key is finding a balance that both you and your children will be comfortable with. Fisher and others offer these suggestions for single moms who are ready to hit the social scene:

Make sure you're ready. "A single mom should start dating when she wants to and not when others tell her to," Fisher says. The time is right when a woman feels she is ready to have an intimate relationship again, Fisher explains, or when she believes she would like to have a man in her life to confide in.

Talk it over with your kids. It's okay to have an age-appropriate conversation with your children about your desire to have a social life, Fisher says. "Honesty really is the best policy," she says.

"Don't wait until you're really serious about someone before you let your kids in on this part of your life, or they may resent and distrust you for keeping secrets." And make sure they know that they are the most important people in your life and that no man will replace them.

Keep the men to a minimum. Remember that seeing Mom with different men can be very difficult for children to understand. "Wait until you think the relationship may be developing into something permanent before you get your kids involved," write Peterson and Warner in Single Parenting for Dummies.

Get over the guilt. If you feel bad about going out on Saturday night, try also making a family day that is just for Mom and the kids part of your social plan. "A single mom may spend even more time with her kids once she starts dating, because she's more conscious of the time she's spending with them," Fisher says.

Dating Advice From Real Moms

"Always inform prospective mates that you are a single parent. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This will allow you to see if this person is genuinely interested in you or in what they can get from you."--Rita A. Knight, mother of one and author of The Anything Is Possible Guide for Single Moms (Dove & Gibbons)

"Don't rely solely on the nightclub scene to help you make a love connection. Any place from the dry cleaners to your local coffee shop is a potential hook-up spot. The point is to just get out into the world, and you'll be surprised who pops up in the most ordinary places."--Ellie Slott Fisher, mother of two and author of Mom, There's a Man in the Kitchen and He's Wearing Your Robe (Da Capo Press)

How to Make More Time for You

Laverne Johnson *, 41, of Charleston, South Carolina, knows that surviving as a single mother means finding a sense of peace in her world. "To keep myself from wearing down to some exhausted easily enraged nub of a human, I've learned to let go more often," she says. Strategies such as cooking simpler meals or even popping in a good children's video to entertain her daughter when things get too hectic, Johnson says, are the ways she keeps herself balanced.

She has also developed a support system she can call on when she's stressed. "Whenever I feel I'm coming up short, I call my best friend to commiserate," Johnson says. "She helps me get some perspective, so I can forgive myself and move on."

Whether it's leaning on the Lord or your best sisterfriend (or both), the secret to staying sane as a single mom is reaching out for help. Patrice Karst, author of the The Single Mother's Survival Guide (Crossing Press), believes it really does take a village. "We're not meant to raise children all by ourselves," says Karst, who recommends strategies such as hanging out with other single moms and their kids to keep your spirits uplifted. "The reality is there are plenty of single moms around who can offer support--you just have to seek them out."

In her book, Karst offers some suggestions for meeting other single moms and creating that proverbial village:

Arrange playdates for your kids and their friends, and get to know their moms.

Invite a bunch of single moms over for a meal. "Invitations out equal invitations back," she says. "Be patient and persistent."

Start your own single-mom support group. All you need is a couch and some cookies. If possible, hire a babysitter (you can split the cost) to keep the kids occupied while the moms engage in an adult gabfest.

It's also important to spend some time and effort on your own personal care, Karst adds. "The happier you are, the happier your child will be," she says. "You've got to balance your needs and theirs." Even if it's just taking a five-minute mental vacation, give yourself permission to be self-indulgent on a regular basis. And it doesn't have to cost much. Anything from a hot bath to an evening in your bathrobe in front of the television can be reward enough. "A mom has to realize she's worth it," says Peterson, coauthor of Single Parenting for Dummies.

Where to Turn for Support

Undoubtedly one of the hardest parts of being a single parent is not having someone else to depend on when you just don't have anything left to give. Here are some places to turn for help when either you or your child is in need:

AMERICAN ACADEMY OF CHILD AND ADOLESCENT PSYCHIATRY ([202] 966-7300; aacap.org) "When parents divorce, a child goes through a grieving process," Peterson says. "Mothers really need to be tuned in." Sleeplessness, irritability and temper tantrums are all warning signs of a potential problem. If you suspect your child needs professional help, don't delay in finding a therapist as soon as possible, Organizations like the AACAP can refer you to a local child psychiatrist in your area.

BIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS OF AMERICA ([215] 567-7000; bbbsa.org) It's important for both boys and girls to have a strong, supportive male figure in their lives to help them maintain healthy adult relationships. Peterson says. If Grandpa or a trusted uncle is not an option, programs such as Big Brothers Big Sisters can provide a mentor for your child.

NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF SINGLE MOTHERS ([704] 888-KIDS; singlemothers.org) This organization provides a range of services, from legal resources to information on social gatherings for single moms. Use the group to connect with other women in similar situations and learn how they are coping.

RUBY MOM (rubymom.com) Find out how other women are surviving via this new online magazine for Black single mothers, by Black single mothers. An excellent resource for ideas and networking.

Parent to Parent: Real Advice From Real Single Moms

"Stop trying to cook all meals, especially if you have older children. Let them cook some nights, and make Friday a free day when nobody cooks."--Andrea Drain-Langston, mother of two, Stillwater, Oklahoma

"Learn to communicate your needs to your children and your support system. Let the children know when you need some quiet time. When my children got older and I'd feel overwhelmed at the end of the day, I'd provide dinner for them, and then tell them that Mommy is off duty for the rest of the night."--Elvetra Cossie, mother of two, Atlanta

"You have to be honest and up-front with everyone involved in your child-care arrangements about your financial situation. Let your sitter know that you value her, you value her participation in your family, and that she is irreplaceable even if you cannot pay her a lot."--Meghan Gray, mother of two, Brooklyn

"For financial advice, single parents can use the resources available to everyone else. Suze Orman's books (suzeorman.com) are great, and The Motley Fool's Web site, fool.com, is especially helpful. I used its car-buying guide to negotiate nearly $3,000 off the price of our car." --Melanie Morton, mother of one, Charleston, South Carolina

"Always let your children know how much you love them, and never lie to them."--Teisha Hills, mother of two, The Bronx, New York

"Put some money away every month, even if it's only $20. That cushion will make you feel so much safer. It's also important to create a will with very clear instructions laid out in case of your death."--Irene Reed, mother of one, Charleston, South Carolina

"Don't forget about your extended family--nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents. The presence of extended family members in the life of your children is important for providing stability and a sense of normalcy." --Norma Wallace-Jordan, mother of four and author of The Ministry of Single Parenting (iUniverse), Los Angeles

"When you're trying to get over losing a husband, grieve all you want or need to. But don't forget your children in the process. Give them permission to be sad. Talk to them about their new situation, and allow them to cry too. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and most of all, shore up on your faith. He didn't bring you this far to drop you now!" --Adiaha Ruane, mother of one, Brooklyn

"Seek out a mentor or mentoring program for your child. Children need a relationship with an objective adult. My daughter had one while she was in high school. She would sometimes tell her mentor things she wouldn't share with me. And I in turn would get the mentor to introduce ideas to my daughter that she probably would not have accepted coming from me. They are still in touch today." --Elvetra Cossie, mother of two, Atlanta

"Develop a routine and stick to it. My child's bedtime is between 8:00 and 8:45 every night, even on the weekends, because it allows me to have time for myself. I can read, meditate, exercise--anything that nourishes me."--Alison Beard, mother of one, Cleveland

* Some names have been changed to protect privacy.

Lod L. Tharps is a freelance writer and mother of two who lives in Brooklyn.

Nichols soon burned through her savings paying babysitters and still couldn't get enough work to make ends meet. She eventually moved in with one of her sisters in a small town on the Hudson River where the cost of living was more reasonable.

Today Nichols watches her sister's three children, ages 7, 4 and 3, and the twins, now 1 1/2, three days a week. Her sister looks after the brood the other two days, giving Nichols a bit of free time to try to get sweater-design jobs. "The work isn't consistent or steady," says Nichols, who's trying to start a new career as a children's-book illustrator. Still, she vows to find a way to handle it all.

Meghan Gray, 28, who is also the mother of twins, found herself in a similar situation. For the first two years of her children's life, she relied on a range of caregivers, from the children's dad to paid help. When her kids turned 2, she wanted to send them to preschool but discovered that there wasn't an affordable option with quality care in her Brooklyn neighborhood. Her solution: Gray started a new preschool with two other mothers.

Six Care Options to Consider